Silence, the submission to peace.

Meet me in the morning “I am a traveller on a sacred journey through this one shining day” (Richard Wagamese, from EMBERS, 2013).

I no longer struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I have been sober for 120 plus days. It’s a big deal to me. Really didn’t think I’d quit sometimes then I started to find out some ugly truths about alcohol AND even calling my issue an alcohol use disorder rather than alcoholic or alcoholism was another big deal for me. I associated those two terms; derogatory comments people would whisper behind my fathers back. I hated those words. Even when I tried to accept and use the term for myself, it never rolled off the tongue.

In reclaiming my life and recovering from my use and damages caused in life from that negative part of me that insisted alcohol was what I needed. I started to remember some good and beautiful memories from a time I long-hauled quit for 20 years.

I am afraid of writing. I think some critics going to rise up in a stink. Reminding me of happy times working at a dairy and veal farm. Early rising to start at 4 am, seven days a week, with a second shift starting at 4 pm. 4 hours each. There’s great contentment when human and animals are in relationships despite death as an outcome for males. I hated those times when veal calves were trucked out. The day before crying for each other as their horns were cut off for transport. I too wept, just like Jesus. Shake it off and return to do the ugly cleanup in the now empty calf barn. The ‘royal’ female milkers and female calves still needed me. The ‘chosen’. I was told to treat them well. I nursed a few sick females through the winters in their little igloos., being informed of their lineage, I had to try and ensure their survival. I was good at my job. It was my reason for getting up each morning.

It became my favorite part of the day. I would return home refreshed and ready to do household management for my own herd of humans. I took it on with great love and peace in my heart. Each day was new and offered up gifts to those willing to take in the morning’s silence, knowing not from whence it comes, taking it all in, allowing all you see, hear and feel to embrace you like a long last love. You inhale and submit yourself at the same time.

I am now entering my mornings without purpose or judgement of self or others. I willingly go outside and accept and am grateful for this day. I allow my thankfulness to exude from within my heart and mind. I make a few proclamations about my life as WSANEC and responsibilities and obligations there are for me in regard to land and sea stewardship. I consider what I must commit and honor in commitment to self, family, and community in that order. I pray for all. I pray to begin the day in a good way.

I believe this type of memory, with all its smells and experiences comes alive when your heart and mind are open to receive it. It is spirit. It reminds me when I was happy, truly happy and content like a grazing cow. I can use this memory and remember what work at the farm meant. I can revive that memory in my daily life, my actions and behaviors at that time were all about healthy living and competitive sports. Positive thinking and speaking.

Alcohol derailed my life and I’m not letting it happen again! WARRIOR UP!