WHY DID I WAKE UP AT 4
There is ritual in the morning rise.
I believe in it, a ritual such as this does make life easier! The apparent singularity of walking out into a dark yet not completely silent morning caresses and surrounds you. It’s new, everyday. Yet, a hesitance and sometimes a fear will arise and remind you of your humanness.
DO NOT ENTER! CONFORMITY DEFORMITY RISING!
Once in there’s commitment involved and your a chicken shit of that and responsibility. Reminders in ragged form come out your head in attempts to embitter, enrage, or stir up some jealousy or judgement, blame or contempt. Either for self or often innocent others. The battle against personal demons took true form when I started to use alcohol for confidence and comfort. I was so alone and i did it to myself. I opened up the door to it when i started pushing my family away and putting all my anxiety on them, while personally constructing a beast form of myself all powerful and to do all things well! Yeah, Hellen Reddy’s “I am woman”, being older mature student. How mature is that to start drinking now, under pressure I more or less made happen. I was looking for attention and perfection. From peers not my family. I BECAME someone else at school, a developing personality that at times did feel schizophrenic. When fully engaged I loved this shit. I wanted to do well in studies that were digging deep into my heart and soul. Attending class with much younger students and having similar experiences as their parents it led to many engaging discussions on indigenous history, cultures, and politics across Turtle Island. I was finding myself in conformity deformity. And of course while being educated in an institution. I was also a born again Christian. As our studies led us to dig deep into colonial encounters, structures, and injustices my heart and mind were being physically, mentally and emotionally divided. I was being impacted by the information being shared and learned. I was being forced to revisit a previous self who already had plans and ideas about Indigenous sovereignty and inherent rights learned in youth from local leaders in politics. A spiritual side of me was reawakened to remembering the struggles I held in community with other indigenous peoples. I became a born again pagan. Recognizing the great strengths, guidance and beliefs of my own people once again. I still am working out my issues, now without alcohol. I am starting to feel whole and have tools that help me cope with doubt and anxiety.
THE FEAR I HAVE IS REAL
When I enter the world of morning, I feel inadequate, and unworthy. It is my trauma, reminding me of all my ‘badness’. The pains of the past that had whipped and tormented me into submission. Confronted my ‘good’ side and whispered to be ‘the rebel’. All around me trauma informed my decisions and ate away at my conscience and all was world hypocrisy, war, death and clamor. My fear of failure while self sabotaging by missed due dates, assignments and appointments was consistently growing alongside my alcohol use disorder and the justifications, lies, and excuses I made to continue the destruction of my integrity and trustworthiness.
THE ANGRY INDIAN WOMYN!
Hate to admit it, but that was me for a long time. Didn’t take much to set me off. My main enemy at the time was OCD of which I had a tendency to organize and reorganize, clean and tidy to my approval otherwise I won’t be able to concentrate. This was a huge carry over from my university days when moms had to do all this multitasking to prove their worth. It grew my stress and anxiety while supposedly making things easier. MY HEAD WAS SCREAMING PERFECTIONISM, ONE WAY IS RIGHT WAY IT YELLED!
I had to become obsessive and multi-task and control my environment and all in it. Tyrannical in many ways as I did not share plans with family. I just did things and superimposed my actions and behavior to include them or shut them out. I created a box to live in I thought would help me become successful in my education and writing endeavors. i did not accept that i needed my family to do this. I had fallen for the notion that this was something i had to do on my own. I got through my bachelors sober, but began to drink while going for a masters in indigenous governance.
It started out simply as a way to pass the time as I waited for buses. I started to make ‘rounds’ as I introduced myself to new, exciting and discreet hangouts where I was unknown. I would take a bar stool so as not to look too ‘at home’. It was upon these occasions I started to develop serious risk-taking behaviors. Drinkingand driving, befriending strangers. Sometimes I looked for sad and lonely looking people to talk to. I CANT WAIT FOR THESE AWFUL MEMORIES TO BECOME A THING OF THE PAST IN MY REFLECTION UPON THEM. I HATED THEM.It still torments me to remember how I allowed alcohol to disrupt my sense of reason.
NO WHERE TO RUN NO WHERE TO HIDE
I knew I needed to start fighting back. Here at 6 months sober I can say the battle has been incessantly ongoing. I am proud of where I am today but need to fulfill what I believe to be my calling and that is to write. MY other gift is in raising children, but one I have held in denial and tried to run from meanwhile it was a great and still rewarding gift.
I hope that my writing makes sense to you. I pray each day for the strength to abstain. I pray for all to recognize alcohol for the poison it is. PEACE AND LOVE ALL. It is in the morning I receive peace and clarity for the day. I can become one and whole in the morning without fear, anxiety to disrupt my mind. And if it tries, I now know how to dismiss the negative and embrace what the a.m. has to offer!
Thanks for reading! I’m trying to get better with technology. I inserted pics, thank you SPLASH. Sober today! Sober this moment!
